Survival: Alice Left
by bemj11
Summary: First in the Survival series. When Alice leaves the Cullen family with no warning, they find it hard to cope. Carlisle is shocked, Nessie is heartbroken, and Jasper seems to be the only one unaffected. Chapter titles are whose POV. Complete.
1. Bella

Bella

There was something off about him, though perhaps it was only that Alice had gone hunting without him when usually they hunted together. When he wordlessly slipped out of the house and into the rain without bothering with a coat and hat, pretense though it was for us, I wasn't so certain.

"Where's Uncle Jazzy going, Mama?" Reneesme asked me, her eyes revealing that she too was worried.

"I'm sure he's fine." I reassured her softly. "He probably just went out for a walk."

"In the rain?" She asked skeptically. "Alone?" It was true Jasper didn't often go out alone. My daughter turned to look at Edward expectantly.

Edward shook his head. "He was counting." The others all had their ways of keeping Edward out with their minds; if Jasper couldn't avoid Edward, he would count.

Reneesme's expression shifted into a frown, and she asked, "Is Uncle Jazzy okay?" Reneesme was the only one in the family who could get away with calling him Jazzy, though Alice often called him Jazz.

"I'm sure he's fine." I repeated.

"Jasper just gets moody sometimes." Edward added, but we exchanged a glance. Jasper hadn't left without any explanation like this since before Reneesme had been born.

"Maybe I should go look for him." My daughter decided.

"Maybe you should give him some time to himself." Jacob suggested, entering the conversation for the first time. "Sometimes people need some time alone."

"Do you?" Reneesme asked innocently. They had rarely been apart since she had reached full maturity, and it upset her now to think he might have needed space and never said anything.

Jacob laughed. "I'm happy as long as you are, Nessie. It's as simple as that."

She giggled at him, and Edward rolled his eyes as he scooted closer on the couch to put his arm around me.

"I'm sure he's fine." Edward said it this time, whether for my benefit or his, I wasn't sure.

Diclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me, nor am I under the delusion that it does.


	2. Jasper

In the once abandoned cabin that was now ours I finally stopped running. I scarcely noticed the changes we had made over the years, the work we had put into making it ours. It was a place we went when we needed to be alone together, or just alone.

I sank to my knees in the living room, my eyes squeezed tightly shut as if to block the tears that could never come. I could feel myself shaking, felt my fists form into tight balls and my teeth clench. I had forgotten how to breathe.

Her letter was crumpled in my right hand; I had held onto it as if it were the only thing keeping my sane. Perhaps it was. I opened my eyes and lifted the paper, gently smoothing it out to read it again, though I would never forget what it said.

_Dear Jasper,_

_I have to leave. I can't tell you why or where or even if or when I'll return. I'm telling you now because you have to be strong for the others, and because you understand without understanding, and accept it without accepting it. Because you'll let me go without letting me go._

_But the others cannot know yet. They cannot know until it is too late for them to find me. They would try to bring me back, and that is something I cannot allow._

_I wish I could stay, or at least could explain myself to you. I'm sorry I have to hurt you like this. Know that I will long for you every second that we're apart. Know that I love you. You, Jasper, are my life. _

_Be strong, take care of yourself, and hold on. We'll be together again someday, you and I._

_-Alice_

I dropped the letter as my arms moved to wrap around my sides, as if that could offer any comfort. Tearless sobs racked my body and threatened to tear me apart. Soft whimpers separated by desperate gasps escaped me.

Eventually I reminded myself that I needed to pull myself together. I understood that she was doing what she had to, the only thing she could do. I knew that it would hurt the others, and that they wouldn't understand as I did.

For I did understand, to a certain point. I didn't understand what had caused this, I didn't understand why she had felt she had to do what she had done, but I understood that if she had done this it was because she had believed she must. And I understood that if it were at all possible, she would return, even if I didn't know when.

It didn't stop the agony of her being gone, but it lessened it to know she had had no other choice. To know that she still loved me and would come back someday. To know that we would be together again. And while the pain was still there, I could bear it. I had to.

The others would not understand any of this. I would have to hide my own pain, my own agony. I would have to be strong. I knew she had chosen the only course available to her, I knew she would return if ever it were possible. The others would not be able to accept this so easily.

I would have to go on, for her and for them, and I would have to help the others to do the same.

This would tear everyone apart.

I stood, slowly, and focused on calming myself. I grew still, and quiet. I forced my breathing into a more regular pattern. I checked to be sure that the turmoil I felt inside would stay there, and not project itself onto anyone around me.

I ordered my thoughts, focusing on things that could not give me away to Edward. I prepared myself to think on the football game Emmett and I had been planning on watching tomorrow, school, the book I was currently reading. The trip I had promised Nessie to see where I had grown up. Simple things. Right.

I carefully folded the letter and placed it in my shirt pocket, next to my heart. I stepped outside; it was raining here, too, I noted, then turned to run home.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	3. Carlisle

"Why isn't Alice back yet?" Esme whispered uneasily, quickly, in vain hope that Jasper wouldn't hear her. He swallowed, his eyes closing briefly, but gave no other indication that he had heard, no other indication that he too was worried about Alice's absence. "It isn't like her to be gone this long." Esme fretted.

Jasper turned to smile reassuringly at my wife. "Alice can take care of herself, Esme. She'll be alright." There was something in his eyes, however, something odd.

Esme relaxed, though I was almost certain Jasper was not using his gift. "I'm sure you're right, Jasper. I don't mean to worry you."

"You're fine, Esme." He said, his voice calm, even. He turned back to watch the game with Emmett.

Edward frowned at Jasper, but he didn't seem to notice. What is it? I thought to him. He didn't speak, but instead got up and went outside. I stood and followed a few seconds later.

Out of hearing distance, Edward stopped walking and wheeled about. "He's completely focused on that game." He said, and I could hear the frustration in his voice. I could see it in his face. Jasper didn't really find football at all interesting. It was just something to do with Emmett. For him to pay much attention to the game at all was unusual.

"Do you think he's worried, then?" I asked. Edward frowned as he shook his head.

"He's keeping something from us." He declared. "I thought I caught something about a letter, but it was gone so fast, and all that was left was a recitation of Jabberwocky from Alice in Wonderland."

"Jabberwocky?" I repeated thoughtfully. It was the poem Alice would, from time to time, demand he recite for her, and he would do so, standing straight and tall and looking solemn as could be, save for the gleam in his eyes as he uttered each word of nonsense for her.

And she would watch him, entranced, with a smile on her face and her eyes beaming with delight. She wouldn't move, or breathe, not in the slightest, until he was finished.

"Are you going to ask him?" Edward demanded, breaking into my thoughts. I shook my head. If he were keeping something, I did not want to force him to lie to us.

"Give him his privacy, Edward." I said softly, worried for my son. "He will tell us when the time comes."

Edward was not convinced, nor did he agree with me, but he accepted my decision.

I only hoped I had made the right one.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	4. Esme

It was night. It was late. The others had slipped off to bed at Jasper's insistence that Alice had probably found some clearance sale and gotten distracted. That she was fine. That there was no cause for alarm. Not entirely convinced, they had nonetheless slipped away.

Carlisle had the night shift, so I was left to myself tonight. I walked silently through the house, listening for Jasper. He had been reading in the living room when the others left, and I had been painting upstairs. But it was oddly quiet now, at least, downstairs, and I was worried.

I worried about my son, about Jasper. Things had been difficult for him, and some things still were. He was still quiet, still kept his problems to himself, not because he didn't trust us, but because he didn't want to bother us. Alice was the exception to that, but she wasn't here now. I worried about her, too.

The living room was empty, his book abandoned on the coffee table. The kitchen was empty as well, though his scent was recent there. The back door was not completely closed, I realized. I opened the door and stepped through, pulling it shut behind me.

I stood in the still night air. It was quiet. I shook my head, and wondered where my son was. Surely he was fine, though. I tended to worry too much. I turned to go back inside.

"Alice." A whispered sob froze me in my tracks, and I whipped around in the direction from which the sound had come. I found Jasper in the garden, knees drawn up to his chin, rocking ever so slightly, his face pressed into his knees.

"Jasper?" I whispered his name, horrified. What had caused this? He started, and in one fluid motion stood erect, facing me. I watched him smooth the sorrow from his face. His eyes went from dead and glazed over to sharp and focused in less than a second. There was no longer any sign that anything was bothering him.

"Couldn't sleep?" He joked, giving me a smile that didn't reach his eyes. It was an old joke among the family, one that was greatly overused.

I forced a smile of my own. Something was wrong. I could feel it. I moved closer to Jasper, longing to comfort him. "What is it?" I asked, searching his face for an answer, for some indication that what I had seen just a minute ago had happened. "What's wrong, Jasper?"

"Nothing." He lied, shaking his head. It tore me apart that he felt he had to lie to me. I placed a hand on his arm. I wanted him to know he could trust me.

"Jasper." I said, and he looked away.

"I can't." He said abruptly, his voice quiet but with a note of desperation in it. "Please don't ask me to, Esme."

A chill swept down my spine at his words. There was something wrong, something he felt he could not tell us. Something about Alice. Something that was ripping him to pieces, though he felt he had to hide that from us.

I would not push him. It would only make things harder for him. I would offer him whatever comfort I could, however.

I drew him closer and pulled him into a hug. He leaned into me, his head dropping down to rest on my shoulder. A shudder ran through his body, and his arms moved to embrace me, desperately, as if I were an anchor, holding him together. As sob escaped him, and I held him closer.

He lost control for the briefest of seconds, his emotions projecting clearly. I choked back a sob of my own as I felt his sorrow, his loss, and his loneliness. His misery. "Jasper." I cried softly, and he was in control again.

He stayed there, in my arms, for some time before straightening and stepping back from me, his face smoothing out again. "Thank you." He said, his voice a harsh whisper.

I reached out and gave his arm a little squeeze. I wished I could do more. I wished I knew what had caused this, what he thought he had to keep from us. I wished Alice were home.

Were the two connected? The thought horrified me. Did he know something about Alice?

He smiled, but his eyes were sad. "Shall we go in?" He inquired smoothly, his tone calm and even, as if nothing had just happened here.

I nodded mutely, and he led me inside and to the couch, where he set me down and settled beside me. He turned on the television, so low I could scarcely hear it, and we sat there in the dark and the near silence, till at last morning came and Carlisle returned from the hospital.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	5. Carlisle II

I sat in the car in the hospital parking lot, an unopened envelope in my hands. It had been left at the front desk for me. It was from Alice; it carried her scent. Suddenly I was very afraid of what it might say.

I opened it slowly, carefully, my mind racing to figure out what this was and why she had left it for me. I spread the page over the steering wheel before me and began reading.

_Carlisle,_

_I can't stay here anymore. I'm sorry to leave you without warning, and I'm sorry I can't explain why I left. Tell the family goodbye for me, I'll miss everyone. Give Jasper my love, and tell him I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. Look out for him, please, Dad. It'll be hardest for him, though he'll try not to let it show. Please don't try to look for me. I wish you all well, and perhaps we may one day meet again._

_-Goodbye,_

_Alice_

I stared at the paper in shock. Alice had left us, suddenly, abruptly. Without explanation or farewell. She had left Jasper, as well, without even saying goodbye. Had he somehow known anyway? Was that what he had been hiding? My heart broke for my son, and for Alice as well.

The family would be devastated. Certainly she had come to us, she had found us. Certainly, like anyone in our family, she had a right to leave if she chose to. For her to actually be gone, though, would be hard for the family to endure.

And she had left without Jasper. I was surprised. The two, though always quiet about their relationship, had been intensely close. For one to leave the other was almost unbelievable. Edward had confided once that he doubted the two could survive without each other.

I started the car automatically and headed home, my mind still on my daughter. Why had she decided to go? It baffled me that she would act so suddenly, and that she would go without at least telling Jasper.

And I had to share the news. I had to tell the others. Worse, I had to tell Jasper.

Just how was I going to do that?

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	6. Reneesme

I heard the door open, and then close. I jumped up and out of the bed, Jacob following half a second behind me.

"Good morning to you too." He grumbled playfully as we dressed and flew down the stairs. Everyone else had already gathered in the living room.

It was Grandpa, home from the hospital. He looked like he would be crying if it were possible for him to. I rushed to his side, hugging him.

"What happened?" Aunt Rosie demanded, worry creasing her brow as she frowned. Uncle Emmett stood close beside her, almost protectively.

"What is it, honey?" Grandma's voice was fearful, her eyes alarmed. Her eyes flickered to Uncle Jasper and back.

Grandpa was still silent, as if he couldn't find the words he needed.

Dad broke the silence. "What about Alice?" He demanded. Carlisle shook his head wordlessly. Mom leaned into Dad, and he wrapped an arm around her.

"She left a letter." Grandpa finally managed to say. "She had to go. To leave. She didn't say where she went. Or why." He glanced at Uncle Jasper helplessly. "She said she loved you, and was sorry she didn't get to say goodbye."

It was as if everything had stopped, as we stood there, shocked. Surely Grandpa was mistaken. Aunt Alice would never abandon us. She loved us too much. Grandpa had to be joking, though it was a mean joke. Aunt Alice couldn't be gone. She couldn't have left us.

But the haunted look in Grandpa's eyes told me he was telling the truth. I couldn't believe it, but it was true.

"No!" I heard myself shriek, and I couldn't think, couldn't breathe properly. I bolted for the door, and ran for the woods.

"Nessie!" Jacob shouted after me. I didn't want him here. I wanted to be alone.

"Go away!" I shouted back at him. "Leave me alone!"

"Jacob." I heard Mom say softly, and then I was out of hearing range.

I stopped running, and threw myself to the ground. I couldn't believe Aunt Alice would do this to us.

How could she leave?

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	7. Rosalie

"She said she loved you, and was sorry she didn't get to say goodbye." Everything stopped with Carlisle's voice. Everyone was still, silent, waiting for Jasper's reaction. It would be bad, I knew. Jasper and Alice's relationship was unbelievable.

He merely nodded, somewhat sadly. There was no other reaction, no realization that she had left him, that she was gone.

"No!" Nessie screamed, and ran from the house.

"Nessie!" Jacob was spurred into action, ready to go after her.

"Go away! Leave me alone!" Nessie called out, a note of hysteria in her voice.

"Jacob." Bella said softly. "Give her some time." He nodded, his face contorted with sorrow because she had pushed him away. But I think he understood.

I noted all this as secondary information, because, like everyone else, I was still waiting for Jasper to freak.

"Jasper?" Emmett muttered. Perhaps he figured if Jasper were going to lash out at someone, it might as well be him.

Jasper seemed to realize we were watching him, because he sighed, ever so slightly, and turned to Carlisle. "She obviously felt this was her only option." He said. His voice was calm, too steady. "She must have seen something." Carlisle nodded dully. This had hit him hard too, and the fact that Jasper wasn't upset even in the slightest was more than he could deal with right now.

"You knew." Esme whispered softly, her expression blank, her eyes vacant. She was hurt by Alice's leaving too.

"Is this what you were hiding?" Edward demanded, at the same time Bella exclaimed, "You knew?"

"There's gotta be something we can do." Emmett glowered. "Whatever the problem is, there's got to be some other solution."

Jasper shook his head slowly, his face set in what I considered his 'patient expression.' "She would only have used this as a last resort." He said. How could he be so calm, so rational about this?

"We can find her." Edward insisted. "There's got to be some other way."

Carlisle was uncharacteristically quiet. I couldn't say a word. I couldn't believe Alice would actually leave Jasper, never mind us.

"We don't have the right," Jasper told him calmly. "If she decides to leave, that's her choice."

"Even if it means you'll never see her again?" I snapped angrily. Did he even care that she was gone?

He nodded, slowly, deliberately. "Even then." His voice was so low it was nearly a whisper.

"Fine then!" I growled, my eyes stinging with tears that could never fall, tears that were not actually there. Carlisle shifted as if to speak, but I never gave him the chance. I was angry now. Angry that she had left us and angry that he was taking it so calmly while the rest of us fell to pieces. "Just stand there! Be calm and rational and logical about it! Act like you don't even care that she's gone!"

"Rosalie." Esme warned me halfheartedly.

"I know it's hard to accept." Jasper said easily, as if nothing I had said meant anything. Suddenly I wanted him to be hurt too. I wanted him to be upset like the rest of us. He should have been the first to suggest going after her. He should have been heartbroken by the news. But he wasn't, and I was furious with him for it.

"Do you even care?" I sneered, my voice poison. "Did you even actually love her?"

"Rosalie!" Esme snapped at me, her eyes shocked.

Jasper let out a snarl and threw himself at me. Emmett growled and slammed into him, and the two were soon rolling around in the floor as if it were simply another wrestling match between them.

I turned and retreated to the safety of my room, unable to bring myself to care that Esme was shocked, Carlisle disappointed, and Edward had been glaring accusingly at me. I couldn't even care that Emmett and Jasper were very likely trying to rip each other to pieces downstairs.

I threw myself across my bed and wished I could cry myself to sleep.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	8. Emmett

The others couldn't deal. They left to let me kill Jasper in peace. I hoped I wouldn't have to. He'd been through enough already today.

"She's just upset." I growled, trying to get a hold on him. He was never easy to get a grip on. He moved too much, too fast. He shoved me into the wall with his feet, and I rolled away from it as he lunged at me.

I decided to try again. "She didn't mean it. She knows better than that. We all do."

"I know." He growled, jerking loose as I nearly managed to put him in a headlock, and I realized this had somehow become a release of tension for both of us.

"It was still mean." I said as we stopped and remained sprawled on the floor. "I think she's just confused. You didn't seem upset. At all." I hadn't meant that to come out like an accusation.

A flicker of emotion in his eyes was all it took, and I realized the truth. "Sorry man." I said. "That sucks."

"Yeah." He said flatly. "It does."

"I'll talk to Rose." I said, getting up.

"I'm going to go find Nessie." He said, and I offered a hand to haul him up. He accepted it, unnecessary though it was, and headed for the door.

Somebody needed to talk to Nessie, and apparently he was the only one of us functioning rationally enough to do it. Even Jacob was finding this hard to deal with.

I went upstairs to talk to Rosalie.

The bedroom door was partly open; she hadn't bothered to close it. The light was off, and she was sprawled face down across the bed.

I flipped on the light and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Hey baby." I said, gathering her gently into my arms.

Perhaps she was vain, perhaps she was arrogant. Perhaps she was haughty, and quick to anger, and sometimes difficult to get along with. But one thing I knew about my Rosalie, something most people didn't seem to realize. Once she accepted someone into the family, truly accepted them, they were family. And she was fiercely protective of them, and cared deeply for them. Alice was her sister, and Rosalie did feel her absence keenly.

Rosalie pressed herself close to me, her body shaking. "I know." She mumbled into my chest, "I know. I'm a horrible person."

"You aren't a horrible person." I told her, stroking her silken hair.

"I am!" She insisted. "I just- he was so calm, Emmett. How can he be that way?" She looked up at me, her expression woeful.

"He doesn't have any choice, baby." I muttered soothingly. "He loses it Rosie, and he's gone. For good. He'll snap, baby, if he isn't careful."

"I am a horrible person." Rosalie moaned. "I don't know why you even like me."

"It's because you've got a great body." I said, and she shot me a dirty look. "You are hot, baby." She still wasn't amused, so I sighed. There were two ways of dealing with her when she was like this; usually the first way worked. I moved on to method two; you know, the sharing your real feelings stuff.

"You're my angel, Rosie. You saved me. You love me. And you do have a good heart, baby. You're as offensive as I am tactless, for all that we usually mean well, but you do care about the others." I paused, and kissed her tenderly. "And you are beautiful, though if you were as ugly as a warthog I'd still love you."

She mellowed out some, and kissed me back. "I should apologize." She said, leaning her head back against my chest.

"Later." I said, shifting until we were both lying on the bed facing each other.

"This is kind of important, Emmett." She huffed.

"Oh, I know." I ran a finger down her cheek. "It's just that he went to talk to Nessie. I'm not that insensitive." Her eyes captured mine and she spoke softly.

"Of course, as long as I have to wait anyway…" In a flash she had flicked out the light and returned to me.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	9. Reneesme II

I sat in my tree on one of the higher branches, trying to make sense of everything. Aunt Alice had left. She hadn't said goodbye to Uncle Jasper. She had left him behind. She had left a letter for Grandpa.

I shook my head furiously. How could she do this to us? Why would she leave us? Didn't she love us anymore? Couldn't she at least have said goodbye?

Had she gotten tired of us? Tired of not being able to see me, or anything when Jacob was around? Had we run her off? Was this our fault?

I heard someone approaching and scowled. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now, not even Jacob. Uncle Jasper was probably catatonic by now, if the realization had set in, and everyone else would be miserable too with Aunt Alice gone.

"Go away." I snarled into the darkness.

"In a minute." Came the casual reply, and Uncle Jasper landed on the branch beside me. He had jumped up here. He moved to sit the same way I was, legs dangling and hands resting on the tree branch to either side of his legs.

He didn't look catatonic. I glared at him as he stared out through the trees.

He sighed. "She does love you, Nessie." He said at last.

"Then why did she leave?" I burst out angrily, shouting at him. He didn't even flinch.

"Because she loves you, Nessie. Because she loves all of us. Because she had to." He inclined his head, inviting me just as he had when I was smaller.

I resisted for a fraction of a second, then slipped into his lap just as I had sat as a child. He patted my back comfortingly.

"Does she still love you, Uncle Jazzy?" I had to ask. I had to know. My voice trembled as the words came out.

"Of course." Uncle Jasper replied, but he had flinched as if I had hit him. "Always, Nessie. Just like I'll always love her."

"Will she come back?" I wondered aloud. I hoped she would. She had to.

"Someday. When-If she can."

"Promise?" I pleaded, feeling more like a child than I had for some time.

"I promise."

"You won't leave, will you?" I asked as the thought occurred to me.

"I won't."

"Promise." I ordered, desperately afraid of losing him too.

"I swear it."

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	10. Rosalie II

"I'm sorry." I said, eyes on his back.

"I know." He said evenly, but didn't turn around.

"I didn't mean it." I wished he would get angry with me, or at least forgive me.

"I know." He said again, calmly.

"It was a horrible thing to say. I was upset, and you were so calm about it all. I wanted you to feel some kind of pain too." Just turn around, Jasper. Glare at me. Scowl at me. Swear at me. Do something.

"I know." He was staring at a piece of paper. I found myself growing irritated with him all over again.

"You should be furious with me." I tried.

"I know." Again the same, infuriatingly calm reply.

"Would you stop ignoring me?" I demanded, my voice suddenly shrill.

He turned to face me, then. "I'm sorry." He apologized. Then he smiled at me. "I'm not mad at you, Rosalie. I can't be. I know how you felt."

"You were reading us all, weren't you?" I said more than asked.

"Everyone was upset." He nodded, tucking the paper into his shirt pocket. "Nessie was devastated. Carlisle too. But everyone was hurt, everyone was shocked, everyone felt-" he hesitated ever so slightly, "betrayed."

"So you decided to be strong for everyone else." I said. Jasper nodded again, and we fell into silence. It wasn't comfortable, or uncomfortable, or awkward or anything, it was just silence. The kind of silences that fell between the two of us.

"I just don't understand." I said without making the decision to speak. "She didn't even say goodbye."

"She did what she thought she had to do." He replied softly, patiently.

"But she left you." I blurted, then gasped. Had I really sad that out loud? Was I trying still, to cause him pain?

But he merely shrugged and repeated, "She did what she thought she had to do."

"Do you really believe that?" I asked.

He focused on me with sad but determined eyes. "I do." He said firmly. "I believe she would not have left us unless she felt she had no other choice, and I believe she will come back whenever- if ever- she can." He sounded as if he believed it, as if he had no doubts whatsoever.

It made me feel a little better.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	11. Jasper II

Rosalie left, and I pulled Alice's letter back out. I inhaled, drawing in the scent that lingered on the paper. Her scent. I flinched against the sharp pain in my chest, taking in another deep breath.

I felt as if my heart would split in two, and I reminded myself that the others needed me to be strong. That Alice needed me to be strong.

I put the letter back in my shirt pocket, where I had taken to carrying it during the daytime. At night I lay on our bed, still and quiet, the letter resting on the pillow beside me. I was flirting with danger I knew, allowing myself to obsess over her absence, but I could not help it.

It had been two days since Carlisle's letter. The others still could scarcely believe she was gone, as if she had merely stepped out and might return any minute. They were waiting, though they failed to realize it.

Nessie alone seemed to have accepted that she really was gone, and the knowledge had left her completely miserable. She was trying to deal with it, though, and at least she no longer felt deserted, abandoned, as if Alice- as if she had left because she didn't care.

I left for school, though the others weren't even aware it was a school day, nor did it occur to them that I was going out the door with my backpack. They probably wouldn't have been able to deal with it today, anyway, I thought to myself as I wheeled my motorcycle out of the garage.

I needed to go. I needed the distraction, the monotony, the busy work. I needed to loose myself in worksheets I had completed countless times before. I needed an environment that was not quite as depressing as home currently was.

I also needed an explanation as to why my siblings were all absent. I stared up at my history teacher who was waiting for a reply. He was concerned. Usually if one of us were out, all of us were out, allegedly hiking or camping or something like that. I cleared my throat.

"They've got the flu." I lied. That would give them an excuse to be out for at least several days. "Carlisle brought it home from the hospital, and while he didn't actually end up sick with it, almost everyone else did." The flu had been going around at the hospital, thought the thought of Carlisle coming home ill was laughable. "Esme and I were really the only ones lucky enough to escape it." I added for good measure, though that could change if I needed to stay home any this week.

The day went on, and I repeated my story several more times for various teachers. Lunch arrived, and I found myself sitting alone at our table, picking at a tray of food. I barely noticed the smell of humans around me; instead I watched them, filtered through their emotions.

Anger, annoyance, worry. Happiness, nervousness, embarrassment. Excitement. Sorrow. Loneliness.

I desperately blocked out the loneliness of seem teenager or other and searched in a near panic for the happiness I had picked up on mere seconds ago, searching for something to counter the loneliness that now welled up within me.

I searched for happiness, tried to immerse myself in it. Tried to focus solely on it.

The sudden change in emotion was painful; I flinched and had to focus elsewhere, but the jumbled mess of teenage emotions was now more than I could handle. With a sigh, I closed my eyes, and began to block out the emotions of those around me.

Edward could block out the thoughts of those around him easily enough. Alice- Alice had learned to block out her visions, after a fashion. It was immensely difficult for me to put up a barrier that kept me from feeling the emotions of those around me, and equally difficult to pull the barrier back down later. Consequently, I rarely did so, but I needed to now.

I sighed, slightly relieved, as the emotions blanked out, and spent the remainder of lunch trying to settle my own tangled up mess of mangled emotions.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	12. Edward

It had been a month. A month since Carlisle's letter. A month since Alice had left us. A month to realize she wasn't coming home.

We had all gone back to school, with much encouragement from Jasper. No one cared much, though. It all seemed so pointless, somehow.

The house was often quiet, solemn. As if no one had the heart to feel anything, as if no one felt it acceptable to feel anything. Home felt so empty now.

Carlisle had recovered his initial shock, and tried not to let himself dwell on her leaving. It was painful for him, and he thought himself selfish for it, and berated himself for it. He tried to think about other things as much as possible and move on.

Esme had lost her daughter. Her children had lost their sister, Nessie had lost her Aunt. Jasper had lost his wife. Her heart ached for us all, and she told herself she shouldn't wish Alice were home, that she should be understanding of whatever her daughter was going through that had caused this.

Rosalie missed having her sister around. She felt lonely. She worried about Alice, which surprised me, and Jasper, which surprised me even more.

Emmett thought the whole affair sucked. He kept a watchful eye on Jasper, concerned for his brother. He missed his little sister.

Nessie was terrified of loosing Jasper as well. She kept him in sight as much as possible, stayed as close as she could. He had promised he would stay, but Nessie was afraid just the same.

Jacob had not been as close to Alice, but felt the difference her absence made in the family, and was surprised to find he missed the freaky little vampire and worried about her.

Bella had confided that she had come to see Alice as a best friend, and as a sister. As a confident. She worried about Alice and worried about Jasper and worried about Nessie and how everyone else had been affected. She tried to push her own feelings back, but she missed Alice as much as everyone else.

Only Jasper seemed to actually be coping with her absence. He went about his business as if she were simply out shopping and would be back later. As if she hadn't left him.

I wondered if he were in shock, but his thoughts were clear. Calm. Simple. He had a report to write on World War II for history. He had Physics homework to do tonight. Emmett's favorite team was playing tomorrow. But Alice never seemed to enter his mind, and it worried me.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


	13. Jasper III

I didn't know if I could keep doing this. Every day it got harder to pretend everything was alright. Everyday the loneliness grew. Everyday my heart threatened to crumble into dust, and everyday I had to struggle to remember that there were good emotions too. Pleasant emotions. Happy emotions.

It didn't matter any more. I didn't matter any more. The only that kept me going was Alice's request. Be strong for the family. I had to be strong. I had to look after them.

It was all I was good for anymore. I reminded Emmett to like football, I lightened Nessie's mood temporarily by reading to her. I went about my day normally, focusing on keeping my thoughts ordered, safe.

I was a shell, acting and going on. I knew I couldn't fall apart. No one would ever be able to put me back together again.

Inside I was empty. No, I was dying. I ached to be with her again, to see her again. To hear her voice, to stroke her hair, to hold her hand. I couldn't bear this separation. I wasn't a person anymore. Jasper Whitlock, or Jasper Hale, or whoever he was, didn't exist anymore.

Only Alice could make him whole again.

But he would go on, and smile, and joke and laugh and act as if nothing were wrong until then, and he would hide the pain he was in, the agony that increased every day, and the madness that threatened to overtake him, all in hopes that she would be come back before it was too late.

Surely she would. She could not live without him either.

Author's note: Yes, I do realize that the last paragraph or so I switched point of view. Sort of. The point I'm trying to get across is that without her, Jasper isn't whole. That he isn't Jasper. So his own point of view, his own thinking about 'Jasper' the person, becomes distant, vacant. It's still his point of view, but he's distanced from himself.

And yeah, that's the end of it.

Disclaimer: I own not any part of the Twilight Saga whatsoever, nor do I own anything else you may recognize, or not recognize_._


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